With a Heavy Heart
by Son Akito
Summary: Gohan writes a letter to his father, to tell him the pain he feels after Goku never returned to his family. After the Cell Games, Gohan tells his father, that he's broken. One shot (may turn into a real story)


It's Son Akito again. And I got bored at my friends house, so I wrote a letter that Gohan sent to Goku. Now it's just one of those "feelings" ones after the Cell Games. And I'm not sure if I'll make a story of it, or just have Goku answer it back later. Just how I feel. Hope you enjoy!  
  
Don't own DBZ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Isn't life funny father? How everything just.changed. I remember watching you that day, don't you remember, the Cell Games. You seemed so far away, and I couldn't grab you, I just wanted to be with you father once more before you disappeared forever. That was a horrible memory to give me father, my last one with you. I wonder how you felt, watching me cry for you, but all you did was smile.  
  
That's all you ever did, smile, when everything else in the world went so wrong, you were the one that gave everyone hope. But what about afterwards?  
  
Father, you caused me so much more guilt then hope. I can't count all the flashbacks, the horrors, the screams. Everything just changed, after you died. Everyone died after that day. We all can't remember what happiness was, expect for Goten and Trunks, who didn't have to face it.  
  
You don't know Goten, but he's your son.  
  
And I find this sad, that you never got to meet your 2nd child. How he cries for you as well, mother and I go threw so many questions "Who's my daddy?" "Why isn't he here?" He sits in the background hearing our cries for you. He looks just like you, and that's the most haunting part of your death, I'm reminded, of what I have done.  
  
Everyone told me it wasn't my fault, but I can't help it. I sit back and watch my haunting flashbacks, and it's a reminder, of what I had done to you. You died, because of my foolish acts.  
  
Yet, the reason you are still dead isn't my fault. I opened the door father, so you could run off. I gave you a wonderful life didn't I? Non- stop training, eating, and sleeping. It must be grand not to have any problems. If only I joined you.  
  
Do you know how many times I wished for that, that I could run also? So I too can end the fucking nightmare and for everything to just be over. The pain I feel, it's too unreal. These reminders all around me, shouting at me for what I did to you, or what I gave you. No one here is happy, mother cries for you, Krillin, Yamacha, everyone wishes you didn't give that "noble" sacrifice.  
  
They all try not to blame me, do you know how many times I've watched them. They look at me as another flashback of my hateful past enters my mind. How I cry and wish hateful things. I see their pity, even today, after the seven years you have been gone. I'm just lucky, I can hid my true self when I'm around them. Yet, I think they all caught on.  
  
I'm dying father, because I'm the only one who realized it. I know why you didn't want to come back, because who wants to revisit hell again? You are so lucky Goku, if I could only run. Yet I know, I have people who need me here, no matter how fucked up I may be. I've tried, and I saw their faces. Do you know how many years it took for me to finally see that they need me? That I'm not worthless as it seemed, and although they say these wonderful things to me, I still can't believe them at times.  
  
You don't understand how everything has been these last couple of years, how can you, you're dead. I'm just writing this too you, because I need to stop this feeling I have inside of me. I want someone to share the pain, and I know that is selfish, yet I figured, I'll give this letter to you, so maybe.You'll understand, that you didn't need to die. That even if their was a "stronger power" out there, if we just trained together, we would of beaten it. You have defeated people when you were the weaker one. Yet, you made your lie sound so believable to all those who love you, and that's why they let you get your way.  
  
Father, Goku, I.can't take it, ya know. I feel the pain of battle, and can feel my power, and it's a sin on my soul. I.wish I never knew such a thing as fighting, because it burned me from ever believing myself again. You had faith that I could become the strongest of the all, and although I might have had that power, my soul couldn't take it, and it broke.  
  
So I can never feel anything, again.  
  
I need someone to save me, I need someone to love and hold. Who didn't see my past and who yet, can understand the pain of, rejection.  
  
My heart is burning, and it's because, you left me. You never were my dad, but my father. A dad is someone who is there for you, someone you can trust. I can't trust you anymore father. You can't become my dad again. You were my hero, but now, my fallen star.  
  
With a heavy heart,  
  
Gohan 


End file.
